Monday, November 17, 2014

♥ Bewdy Tipz & Trix to survive this Aussie Summer! ♥

♥ Forget this minimal makeup bb cream only mascara basic as heck wishy washy. Wear as much makeup as you want to. Don't let summer stop you from caking on your face as per usual. Werk that thick foundation and winged eyeliner. Just make sure you are wearing a very high spf underneath to protect your precious flesh from sizzling like a snag under the Aussie satan sun. Don't let those demonic UV rays penetrate your pores. Australia has the highest rate of skin cancer in the entire world!!

Fuck you Summer

♥ Make sure you cover your entire body in sunscreen! The last thing you need is the sun messing up your perfect pale pasty complexion. You worked so hard all winter staying inside and perfecting your moon tan. My favourite is Neutrogena's UltraSheer body mist which is an Spf of 50!! It's cold and amazing and I'm constantly spraying it all over my body just for the heck of it.

This hurt my groin

♥ Spf needs to be reapplied every few hours to stay effective!! Since you have your caked face on, this isn't practical at all. Did you know that 95 to 99 percent of skin cancers are caused by the sun?? Stay inside at all times and hiss at any sunlight that threatens your existence. Reject invitations to the beach and pray for those people. Find the darkest, coldest corner in your house and set up camp. You're going to be there for a while.

Seriously fuck off

♥ Stay hydrated!! Make water your bff this summer (since your friends have stopped bothering inviting you out). Water also helps improve your overall health and the appearance of your skin. Staying hydrated prevents death. My biggest tip for surviving summer is: don't die.

Water tastes better from a novelty cup
Water tastes better when it's vodka

♥ To keep cool I like to chill my Mac Fix+ spray and spray it all over my melting flesh as I stand in front of the open fridge. Drown out your mum's nagging about wasting electricity by louding humming the Australian anthem. If she continues, spray her in the face aggressively. Chill out, ma.


♥ After recovering from being backhanded by your parents, take a cold shower. Since I have coloured hair I use colour safe shampoo and conditioner. I also use this Vitafive CPR reconstruct spray over damp hair to protect my hair and colour from heat, UV and even chlorine!! This is a must.


♥ Keep your lips soft and cute by constantly applying lip balm every two seconds. Continue your conversation as you apply the lip balm. Think of it as a light snack if you happen to get any on your teeth!!


♥ Don't be ashamed of your bright red heat rash that people mistake for a stop sign. Throw some gold glitter on it and werk, bitch.


♥ Achieve that sought after dewy skin look with your own perspiration!! Let your sweat seep through your skin and foundation for that natural, glowy effect that will have people staring in awe.

Kill me

♥ Replace your morning coffee with a icy cold beer!! It's already too fucking hot to live so throw back a four X!! This is acceptable behaviour because STRAYA. It's also 'natural lime' flavour so it's fruit!! Fruit is healthy!! Natural! LIME.

8 am and I want to die

♥ Get into the spirit of summer by wearing a bright bold lip!!

I am dead inside

♥ Aggressively reject summer by dressing for the season you really want!! This may lead to heat stroke and hospitalization but at least you look cute!!

Take me to this mystical 'snow'

♥ When you're trying to sleep at night but it's too fucking hot and you're drowning in your own sweat, cry without tears!! This way you get to release your emotion without losing any more liquids!


♥ Live on ice cream, smear it all over your naked bod for that sweet sweet relief. Anyone who judges you needs to be removed from your life immediately. You don't need that kind of negativity.

Creaming Vanilla posing with ice cream

♥ Listen to Summertime Sadness on repeat and wallow in your sweaty misery!! Fun times!

Summertime Death Wish

♥ Lie down, try not to cry, cry a lot


♥ Wear as minimal clothing as possible or even better - none at all. If it's still too hot, just peel off layers of skin!! Super easy, effective way of staying cooled down in this disgusting heat.

get it off

Bonus tipz & trix!

(!) Stay away from people as much as possible!! They emit heat and will make you suffer with their presence!

(♥) Fun activity: lie a tarp down in your backyard and slide down it with your own sweat!! Lube up more with some dish washing liquid! Fun for the whole sweaty family!!!

(!) Body odour is a real issue in public!! Shove ice cubes up your nostrils.

(♥) Remove all contents from your freezer and sit in it. Isolate yourself... or should I say... icesolate yourself???

We all know what is responsible for this heat wave... Satan, our prime minister.

I hope you all have a great summer!! Remember the best way to survive is not dying! Stay cool.

♥♥♥ Courtney

1 comment:

  1. hahahaha this was hilarious! loved reading it :)