Tuesday, September 23, 2014

♥ Break Up Stuff ♥

Disclaimer: I do not claim to be an expert at relationships. All of this is coming from personal experience as a 19 year old recent breakupee from my first 'real' romantic relationship. We all cope with different situations differently and what worked for me may not work for you.

I have been wanting to write about this since I first started thinking about making a blog. Too many young girls are lead to believe that they are not complete or worthy unless they have that 'better' other half. There have been a ton of concerning things I've seen through social media, so I felt the need to write about my own experience in an effort to help other young girls who may be going through something similar. I personally believe that there is way too much emphasis on finding 'the one'. You do not need another to complete you. You are already whole.

Ever since I was super young, I had always dreamed of having a high school sweetheart. I thought it was the most cute, most romantic relationship to have. I still think it is but as they say, be careful what you wish for haha! I remember he tried talking to me in class but I didn't want a bar of him so I brushed him off because I am bitch, let's be honest. We only started really talking through facebook... yep. Our first date is something I will never ever forget. It was so awkward, one of my favourite memories. I showed up late because I thought it was an elaborate prank and he thought I stood him up. I also forgot my school i.d so we couldn't see the movie he wanted to watch. One of his conversation starters was 'so... do you wear jeans?' I told everyone we knew, I never let him live it down. In the cinema I said 'I'm cold' just so he would put his arms around me hahahaha. We basically spent the whole week after that together.

I was head over heels in love with this boy. I have never in my life felt so strongly about someone before. The only thing I regret about it was letting the relationship consume me. I forgot who I was because I invested all of my time, effort and energy into it. This isn't his fault, that was my choice and my mistake. If I had to go through everything we did again with someone, I would choose him one thousand times over. Above my boyfriend, he was my best friend and I truly appreciate who he was and everything he did for me. He could make me laugh like no one else could and made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the entire universe. I wish I could let him know this now.

We broke up suddenly and over the phone about three or four months ago after three and a half years together. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. Along with our issues in the relationship, we stopped growing together and started growing apart. It was inevitable. What tore me up was not the fact that it happened but how. It made me feel so worthless. I couldn't believe the person that called me beautiful at every chance he could get just ended it so coldly. We said we would stay friends but later on he made it obvious that he had no interest in me being a part of his life.

It would be a lie if I said I shrugged it off and calmly made myself a cup of tea. Heck no. I walked out of my room, straight into mum and dad's arms sobbing my heart out.

♥ The first step I took was accepting that it happened. I made myself sick thinking about the what ifs and whys. I figured nothing he could say would really satisfy me so I just accepted it. These things happen. Life goes on. The sky is still the same with or without you.

♥ Burning bridges is necessary to stop yourself from crossing over. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't him I cried over, it was the memories. It was what we were and what we had in the past. It was tough but I had to accept that he wasn't the boy I fell in love with so I needed to let go completely.

♥ Reminders are going to be there no matter what. It's going to feel like the world wants you to suffer. You're going walk in Target with your mum and yes, they are going to play stupid fucking love songs and yes right after you complain about that, Single Ladies will blast from the speakers like a big middle finger to your face. People will ask how he is going. You will accidentally see photos of each other together. People will say things and you'll think of him. Don't be bitter about it. It's okay to be nostalgic and sad. Appreciate what you had in the past and move on. Don't let negative feelings poison you.

♥ Take time for yourself. Be selfish for a little bit. Do what you need to. For me, that was going to the salon and getting my hair and nails done, spending my $200 giftcard from work for casual employee of the year on makeup, spending more money on makeup, buying my first car. It was also being kind and taking care of myself. You need you more than ever. Put all of the time, energy, money, effort and love you had for the relationship back into you. You deserve it.

This is what recently single looks like

♥ Surround yourself with positive people and thoughts. As soon as I thought something negative I would punch that thought right in the throat. Nope, not today brain. I deserve to be happy.

♥ It is okay to be sad but don't convince yourself that this is the end of the world. It truly isn't. You have so much more to look forward to in every aspect of your life. Breathe. One thought that makes my worries feel so insignificant in comparison is the fact that we have only explored 5 percent of the ocean. It's the same thought I use to justify buying more makeup.

♥ You do not need another person to function. You are not incomplete. You are not unworthy. You are your own person with your own ambitions and goals and loves and fears and everything, live for yourself. If you happen to find someone who you want in your life and maybe for the rest of your life then that is amazing! Don't lose who you are.

♥ I listened to Cell Block Tango a lot to ease my anger and frustration hahaha!

The best thing I did was taking this experience as an opportunity to learn and grow as a person. From this, I have discovered exactly what I feel I need from a relationship and I have learnt from my own shitty mistakes. I surprised myself (and everyone else in my life apparently... which says a lot about me) with how strong I truly am. I have never felt more content in myself than I have these past few months. Self discovery and growing up and learning and experiencing things although daunting is so cool. I'm not the most positive person on the planet but I do believe you should make the most of everything, good or bad. I've never looked forward to coming into my 20s until just recently. Yay life.

This was written super quickly because I just needed it off my chest, so if I have missed anything you wanted to know or whatever, just ask.

♥♥♥ Courtney

3 comments:

  1. Your post is absolutely perfect. The biggest thing I agree with is coming to realise that people change and that you are a different person to when the relationship started. So many people get stuck in bad relationships because that's the only thing they know and they are afraid of change.
    My mum and dad were much better friends after they got a divorce. Both of them got remarried and were so much happier with their new partners. And they started caring about each other in a different way.
    I am glad you are taking the time to focus on yourself and I know things will get better and better as time passes <3

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